I once cried in a liquor store in Starkville, Mississippi. I was on the phone with my mom, sobbing relentlessly about how lonely I felt because I was single.
When I walked in – already crying – I looked around the store, making sure I didn’t see anyone I knew. I realized all of the aisles were empty. It was just me and the cashier in the store, oh, and my mom, who was still on the phone line. And in that moment I somehow felt even lonelier. The harsh fluorescent lighting of Starkville Discount Liquor, a classy establishment attached to an Exxon gas station, made me feel like I was under a microscope. Suddenly, it was hard to breathe, and my heart physically hurt. My mom was begging for me to tell her what was wrong. I finally caught my breath and choked out, “I just feel so lonely.”
Word of advice – never openly admit you’re lonely while holding a bottle of tequila in a liquor store…After the cashier took my money, with an odd smile of pity, I ran to my Nissan Rogue. My mom let out a long sigh – exacerbated by my dramatics and probably feeling second-hand embarrassment.
This moment of loneliness was brief and almost comical, and looking back, I was totally being dramatic. However, sometimes, that loneliness doesn’t fade. Sometimes loneliness isn’t because of a lack of a relationship. Sometimes, there isn’t even a reason — you’re just lonely. Sometimes, you can be surrounded by others, and the lonely feeling is almost enhanced.
Let’s be real; we’ve all felt lonely.
A few years ago, I took a big step and opened up about my mental health struggles—especially my battle with suicidal thoughts—on a very public platform. At the time, I was running for Homecoming Queen at Mississippi State University, and all the candidates were required to have a Service Awareness platform. Since I had recently started talking about my mental health, I knew how important it was to share my story with others on campus who might be feeling the same way. So, I teamed up with the Mississippi Chapter of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. It felt empowering, but if I’m being honest, I was sharing all of this while still feeling pretty alone. (Oh, and spoiler alert: I didn’t win Homecoming Queen!) But honestly, raising awareness and having honest conversations with my classmates about something I care deeply about is still one of my favorite college memories. Third place never felt sweeter.
Suicidal thoughts aren’t just “I want to die.”
Sometimes they are – “I feel so alone” “No one will notice if I’m gone” “I just need a break” or “I feel so ashamed and trapped”.
I often find myself thinking about my liquor store meltdown (a term coined by my mother). I think about what life looked like and felt like. I think about the things I was overly consumed with and stressed about compared to now. Honestly, it makes me feel silly. But then I have to remind myself—the things we care about are not “silly.” The worries and stressors we have are real.
You are allowed to make a big deal about the things that feel big to you.
Because even if it’s moments shared with you, tears, a cashier, and a bottle of tequila, it’s not silly in the moment.
We often reduce people who struggle with mental health into the compartmentalized box we have for what depression and anxiety should look like. We’re told that we need to look for “signs” and “signals” of someone who could be suicidal. But in reality, it looks different for everyone.
Those stressors might be small for you but massive for the person next to you.
September is National Suicide Prevention Month. Millennium Counseling Center is dedicated to reducing the stigma, empowering individuals through education, and ensuring we are always a safe space to land.
If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
Connect with Amelia, author of “Suicide Prevention Month | You’re Allowed to Make a Big Deal About the Things that Feel Big to You”: Bio | LinkedIn
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